“I used to run. Then I stopped. And now I’m terrified of running. I haven’t run for 17 years.”
This was part of a kick off conversation with a client a couple of weeks ago. They’d engaged me to help them with a career transition they was facing. Towards the end of our session, they mentioned the running fear.
30 minutes and a series of specific questions later, they walked out of my office a bit earlier than planned, drove home and ran for the first time in 17 years. From their front door to the tree on the corner of the block.
Then they did it a second time to prove it wasn’t a fluke.
They called me ecstatic.
“What a breakthrough!”
“Huge congrats!” I said.
“But a quick reframe – it wasn’t so much a “breakthrough” as a “work-with”. Let me explain why.
Ultimately fear is not an enemy to break through, get rid of or eliminate. It is a natural part of reality for us all.
So rather than fighting reality to break through the fear to run, what you just did was run with the fear. You were able to work with it.”
Helping people make changes like this are why I love doing this work.
It’s also an example of the kinds of conversations I have in my Reinvention Coaching program which is open now for an intake until 5pm Friday 8th of March if you’d like to find out more >>
The conversation
So I’ve reconstructed the conversation below with the exact questions that helped them to be able to run again after 17 years.
The beauty of this is that it’s not woo woo. And it’s definitely not the Toby Jenkins Framework For Success either.
It’s the World Health Organisation-validated science of psychological flexibility and its core framework of ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Training).
The tool we used is called The Choice Point developed by Ciarrochi, Bailey, and Harris, 2013 (you can access it here >>).
And what I love is that it can work in many settings.
For my client this was an immediate demonstration and practical execution of the science into a real life situation of running.
Now, with that lived experience of making change with what seemed like insurmountable fear, change in other areas may come more readily. When it comes to their career transition or difficult conversations or parenting or health, they’ll be able to apply this approach.
It’s repeatable. It’s translatable. And, if you’re willing to do the work, it’s a learnable skill that can be developed, maintained and strengthened with practice.
And that means you can use these same questions and tool to get these same kinds of results for yourself.
My client took notes as they went on the Choice Point worksheet. I’ve pulled out the standard questions below this too, so if you’re interested, you can work through them for yourself.
Let’s unpack the conversation and the structure of the questions.
Situation
Can you please write down your situation? What’s happening? For how long?
I’m terrified of running and haven’t run for 17 years.
Hooks
When you think about that situation, what are the difficult or unhelpful thoughts that show up for you? What are you saying to yourself?
This is scary. I’ll embarrass myself. I can’t run. I’ll look like a fool to my partner. Can’t believe I’m afraid of this. It’s too hard. I’ll do something else. I’ll go to the gym instead.
What are the difficult or unhelpful emotions that show up for you? What do you feel?
Fear of embarrassment, fear of failure, a bit ashamed, anxious, scared.
What are the difficult or unhelpful sensations that show up for you? Ie what are your physiological experiences (eg sweaty palms, butterflies in the stomach, shortness of breath)?
Tightness of breath. Heaviness in my chest.
When you think about the difficult or unhelpful thoughts, feelings and sensations as an experience, where do you feel them in or around your body?
On my chest.
Do they have a shape?
It’s an oblong.
Do they have a size?
It’s the full width of my body and goes from my neck to my sternum. It’s about 10cms thick.
Do they have a colour?
Aqua.
Do they have a texture?
Smooth. With sharp edges.
Do they have a weight?
Heavy. Really heavy.
When you think about that as a whole experience, can you give it a name?
I’ll call it Oblong for now.
Helpers
When you think about the situation, who is important to you (individuals or groups of people)? Have you included yourself?
My kids, my partner, me.
What are your values?
My values are love, spirituality, empathy and growth.
What is your purpose?
To champion others so they can become their best self
When you think about this situation, what is important to you?
Being healthy, role modelling for my kids, running with my partner and friends, enjoying a run in nature and outdoors.
Away behaviours
If you are acting ineffectively or away from the person you want to be, what happens?
I don’t run.
What is the short term benefit of avoiding running?
I don’t feel anxious or any of those other things I’ve already described.
What is the long term cost of avoiding running?
I’m not as fit. I don’t role model for my children. I miss out on time with my partner and exercising outside. I don’t grow into the person I want to be.
Towards behaviours
If you are acting effectively or towards the person you want to be, what would happen?
I’d go for a run.
What is the short term pain of running?
Oblong shows up in full force.
What is the long term benefit of running?
I’m healthier. I’m outside. I role model for my children. I get to spend time with my partner and other friends who enjoy running. If I can do it, I know I’ll have grown as a person.
Committed Action Questions – getting extremely specific with action
What do you consider a run?
A 30 minute jog without stopping around the park.
That might be too much as a starting point, what is the smallest possible run that you would still consider a run?
100 metres.
If you were to go for a run, what would you most like to wear?
Gym gear and runners.
Any particular favourites of those?
My black gym gear and red nikes.
If you were to go for a run for 100m, where would you leave from?
My front door.
Where would you go to?
There’s a tree on the footpath down the street from my house – it would be close to 100m away.
What would you do when you get there?
Hug it.
How would you celebrate?
I’d tell my partner, a woman I spoke to about this 6 months ago and my kids.
Knowing in advance that Oblong will definitely show up if you try to go for this run, do you think you would be willing to go for the run you’ve just described above and take Oblong with you?
Yes. I think I could.
Awesome. When might you go for a run?
Well, we finish here in half an hour, then I need to get home and pick up the kids, so maybe this afternoon or tomorrow?
I don’t like leaving these opportunities for too long so how about this as an option: Would you prefer to stop our session now and use that extra 30 minutes to get home and go for the run you just described?
Yes.
On a scale of 1-10 how likely are you to do the run if you leave now?
8 or maybe a 9.
Would you be willing to send me a message to let me know how you go?
For sure.
Awesome – let me know how you go.
Deconstructing the Choice Point
If you decide to use The Choice Point for a situation of your own, I strongly recommend downloading the worksheet and going through this with pen and paper rather going through your answers in your head. Writing down your answers to the questions below would be a good second option. (Writing down these internal experiences is an evidence based technique called de-fusion. Essentially it’s about creating space between us and our thoughts, feelings, emotions etc so we can better see the options and choices around us.)
Here are the questions of the Choice Point laid out for you to explore for yourself.
Situation
- Can you please write down your situation? What’s happening? For how long?
Hooks
- When you think about that situation, what are the difficult or unhelpful thoughts that show up for you? What are you saying to yourself?
- What are the difficult or unhelpful emotions that show up for you? What do you feel?
- What are the difficult or unhelpful sensations that show up for you? Ie what are your physiological experiences (eg sweaty palms, butterflies in the stomach, shortness of breath)?
- When you think about the difficult or unhelpful thoughts, feelings and sensations as an experience, where do you feel them in or around your body?
- Do they have a shape?
- Do they have a size?
- Do they have a colour?
- Do they have a texture?
- Do they have a weight?
- When you think about that as a whole experience, can you give it a name?
Helpers
- When you think about the situation, who is important to you (individuals or groups of people)? Have you included yourself?
- What are your values?
- What is your purpose?
- When you think about this situation, what is important to you?
Away behaviours
- If you are acting ineffectively or away from the person you want to be, what happens?
- What is the short term benefit of that away move?
- What is the long term cost of that away move?
Towards behaviours
- If you are acting effectively or towards the person you want to be, what would happen?
- What is the short term pain of that towards move?
- What is the long term benefit of that towards move?
Committed Action Questions – getting extremely specific with action
This part is not on the choice point worksheet but is incredibly important to drill into.
Ambiguity is the enemy of behaviour change. Anything you can do to make action more specific will increase the likelihood of actually doing it.
- What is the smallest possible action you could take? (eg rather than having the meeting, booking the meeting)
- Where might you be?
- Who might you be with?
- How would you celebrate?
- Knowing that your tough stuff will certainly show up, would you be willing to bring it with you?
- When would you do it? Specifically what time and day? When is the soonest time possible?
- On a scale of 1-10 how likely are you to take the action?
- Is there someone you could contact to let them know it’s done for accountability and support?
I know I bang on about practice, but that’s what this is. It’s a tool to help us to unpack a situation and refine our practice.
I’d love you to take this and make it a regular thing.
Awesome – let me know how you go.
And as I said, it’s an example of the kinds of conversations I have in my Reinvention Coaching program which is open now for an intake until 5pm Friday 8th of March if you’d like to find out more >>
